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01 September 2015

No.

It's sort of redundant to say that "I'm struggling today". I struggle every day. I want to get up, I want to hit the ground running, I want to make the absolute most out of every minute of today. There are no easy days. Every day, I have to overcome the negative voices that come from the past. They can be persistent. Sometimes they whisper. Other times they shout. Either way, I can't just ignore them. I have to tell them that they're wrong, that they're full of shit, and then I have to go and prove it. That's what I do, every day. 

Fall semester is just beginning. I'm still finalizing my class schedule, but it looks like two classes. One of them I might try to take online. My situation is complicated anyway because of having to fight PTSD, because I'm a non-traditional student, and because of the lingering academic fallout of losing a full semester when Porchlight put me back out on the street last year right before final exams.

And yet, here I am in school. I have a Student Leadership Program position at work as a software developer. I just delivered a new application to one of the other departments at work. I'm definitely going to hackathons in Illinois, Michigan, and Ontario Canada; possibly going to one or two more in California and Washington. I'm actively seeking an internship for next year, and come hell or high (or no) water I'm going to get one and head to California.

There's a point where, once the dust settles, you realize that you're still standing. You may be the only thing still standing while everything else is reduced to rubble, and you're covered with dust and grime and who knows what else, but there you are. Still standing.

That is, essentially, where I am. Still standing.

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More than one person from the VA. the VA Hospital, the VA Grant Per Diem (GPD) program, and the Vet Center has suggested that I should get on disability, let the social work system manage my life, and in effect, retire. Take the easy route. Accept my disability. Embrace it. In essence, shut up and be disabled.

My answer to that is simple. No.

Get ready, California. See you soon.









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