05 April 2015

How many and a wake up?

I finally found the right office in city hall to talk to about Landlord. I'm going there tomorrow to file a discrimination complaint. I'll admit to looking pretty rough sometimes, especially over the past year or so. Still, it's illegal to refuse to rent to someone because you don't like their personal appearance. I'm not looking for damages, I just want to have a place to live without the bullshit.

I'm feeling pretty rough. My anger fuse is getting really short lately, the anxiety and hyper vigilance is constant, I'm not sleeping right, I don't want to be anywhere near other people, the depression is up and down, the flashbacks, the dreams, the nightmares. It's exhausting. The stuff with the landlord hasn't helped any.

I'm supposed to be taking meds for diabetes and high cholesterol, but I'm not. The VA gave me Prilosec to keeps from throwing up when I take the pills, but I've had several very close calls where I've had to tell a bus driver to stop the damn bus now to let me off so I can hurl-- or I've had to run for the nearest door at work so I didn't paint the lobby with a permanent splatter stain. (Sorry if that's TMI.) I hate throwing up. It's worse because I'm afraid that people will see it happening. It's hard enough trying to look normal and not homeless (whatever that means) without throwing up in random places looking like a drunk.

I'm going to talk to the mental health clinic at the VA tomorrow and set up an appointment. I don't know that I've ever been perfectly happy, but I feel like hell lately. I know from experience that I need help to work through whatever's going on. Honestly, over the past several years I've been thumped like a punching bag. It's getting old. The meds and the therapy need to be different-- how I don't know, but the past two years of popping pills got me homeless and bounced out of school. At a certain point I have to conclude that whatever I was doing didn't work. Still, I can't manage PTSD plus diabetes plus the anxiety and the depression completely on my own, at least not yet (and maybe never).

There is some good news: I got the student application developer position I applied for at work. That means more hours and a bump in pay, and I'll be getting paid to write software. I'm pretty happy about it, because I'll also be getting real (and current) experience. It's an opportunity to become a better programmer, and it's something I feel I can really bulld on. This is also why it's important that I get my meds and therapy together, so I can make the most of this and do well at it.

I don't know if I'll be able to graduate from Wisconsin. Right now it doesn't look like it, but who knows. I'm still going to try to find a way. If I can, cool. If not, fine. I can still take community college classes. My last day in Wisconsin is going to be August 15 2016 either way-- my future is on the west coast, and past a certain point staying here isn't doing me any good. That gives me a year to work on me, get things arranged, hopefully put some money aside, and figure out where I plan to land in California. Silicon Vallley? LA? I don't know yet. A year is enough time to figure some of that out, so hopefully I land on my feet when I get out there. If I'm going to transfer to UC (or wherever) there might be classes that I can take while I'm still here that will help with the transfer, and in any case the soonest I'd be able to transfer is fall 2016 anyway.

There are some other changes I can make now that will help. Getting all of my stuff moved out of my storage unit and into my apartment where I can sort out what I want to keep and what I can/have to get rid of will save me $70/month. Over a year, that's a nice bit of change saved that can help pay for moving. I can put aside at least some of the extra money I make as a programmer. So there's a method to my madness.

A lot hinges on me keeping my current apartment, or finding a new place to move into in August. I have a last resort backup plan-- buy a car, sleep in that, join the Y again so I have a place to shower, etc. I don't want that to happen, but I have a plan just in case. 

A year is both an incredibly long time and an incredibly short time-- but either way it's just a short tour, and I've done that before. Where that short timers calendar?

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