24 December 2014

Christmas, phooey

So yeah, Christmas. Phooey. I'm sitting in  a local Panera Bread, since the academic building I'd normally be camped out in is locked. No, I don't have a rewards card. No, I don't want one. Hell no I don't want anything to eat-- when I lived in the homeless shelter, Panera brought the week's leftovers every Saturday morning. Bagels, cookies, doughnuts, Danishes, you name it. There were far too many days and nights where that's all I had to eat was leftover sweets. Now I'm diabetic, so no, thank you, I'll just stick to the coffee. 

I sound like I'm in a bad mood-- I'm really not. I'm bored. It's quiet around here, since everyone's gone home for Christmas. I do like the quiet, but I need someplace to be. My apartment isn't yet a place to be-- other than a bed I don't have any of my furniture out of storage.  Yeah, I know, quit bitchin', right?  It's still hard to have a concept of "being home". Having a place to live still seems so fragile.

Most things seem fragile, and that's because things are in a state where they're soon going to change. Fall semester turned out all right-- best semester in a long time, 3.0. (Woot!)  I only missed class once, and everything got done and turned in. Both my therapist at the VA hospital and at the Vet Center wanted to pin my failures in spring semester on me shutting down-- well, shit, you'd shut down too if you were dealing with being put out on the street by people who had promised to help you get back on your feet. I'm still pissed at Porchlight, yes. Broken record, I know. Look, this semester I put up a 3.0 and I didn't have all of Porchlight's bullshit to deal with. Compare and contrast. You tell me what conclusion you come up with.

Every month I still worry when it's time to pay the rent. It's expensive. My landlord is an asshole, or at least he acts like one, so I'm afraid that if a rent payment shows up late he's going to evict me without a second thought. Actually, there would have to be a mediation hearing first and I'd get the chance to settle my account but still-- not something I want to go through again.

I need 18 credits to graduate. Within that 18 credits I need to get my GPA the rest of the way up to meeting academic standards. Within all of that I want to do an internship somewhere in California, which is where I'm headed after graduation. There are too few opportunities, and too many bad memories, to stay here once school is done. 

Today is a good example-- it's winter break, and it's Christmas Eve, so the university is for the most part shut down. That means I need to amuse myself off campus. To be honest, I don't have a lot going on outside of school and definitely nothing around Madison. It's cold, grey, and bleak outside.

In LA it's sunny and warm. In San Francisco it's cloudy. I don't have to ask Siri-- I feel pretty safe making those assumptions. I don't have anything in particular to do in California at the moment, but I imagine I'd have better odds finding something there than here. 

It's just time. I've honestly been here long enough, I've been in school long enough, and it's just time to finish this college thing up and move on to whatever's next. I'm frustrated because it's still going to take a while to make it happen.

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