01 September 2014

Feels a little strange

It feels strange, having my own apartment again. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel-- happy? In a sense, I'm very happy because I got the place I wanted. It's more downtown than campus (although the line between the two is pretty blurry). Close to everything.  I'm going to like living here.

Going from the street to a normal place feels like a big jump. Suddenly everything is supposed to be normal. It doesn't feel that way yet. I still have to get everything moved from my storage unit into my apartment, get it unpacked, and figure out where it all goes. I hate moving-- the most recent times I've had to move haven't been much fun, so there are some negative emotions going on. I still feel like I need to look for a place to sleep every night.

What did being homeless for two years mean? What did it prove? What can I take away from the experience? I don't know. So much was negative. All of the bullshit that happened at Porchlight casts a long shadow. I don't trust charity any more-- I've seen enough charity to last a lifetime. Too many strings attached.

College and being homeless don't work together well. I know there are people who manage to pull it off. I don't know if they had to deal with PTSD or not, but it made things more difficult for me. Maybe in a different situation than I was in with Porchlight makes it a little easier.

I actually accomplished a lot these past two years. I've been to a bunch of hackathons, where I've built some cool stuff. I've taught myself JavaScript and a decent portion of HTML5's new goodies. I'm getting pretty comfortable with using REST APIs. I've learned a lot more about programming in general, from reading articles and papers and from an online course from MIT where I learned some Scheme.

The mission now is stability. Staying in my apartment, getting the rent paid. Staying in school, getting good grades. Taking care of myself. Maybe even enjoying life a little bit again. I'm actually in a really cool place right now-- learning new things, hacking, drinking good coffee, working with awesome people.

It will take some time before I'm really relaxed, I think. Getting my stuff moved in will be a big step. Stability is still a goal to reach, but for now I'm winning the battle. 

As always, small steps.

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