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13 August 2014

Bugged out

I've bugged out, back to being truly homeless.  I need to go back and finish cleaning up, or at least make an effort, this morning.  I'm under a pretty comfortable roof tonight, but it has the stipulation that I need to be awake while I'm here. The rest of today I'll be either strung out on caffeine or struggling to stay awake, or possibly both. Losing a night of sleep isn't a big deal, it's been a common thing for the past couple of years-- under a roof or not.

I put a deposit down on an apartment last week (the first landlord that said "hey, do you want to put a deposit down?"). I emailed yesterday, the office said call the guy who did the showing. Called him, and got voice mail so I don't know if I have the apartment or not. Hoping for a yes, obviously. Trying to stay positive, to believe that I'll get that damn apartment. Life right now depends on having a stable, safe place to live. I can build on that. Right now I don't have anything under my feet to stand on.

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I'm in survival mode now. Survival mode isn't a happy place. Things like emotions have to be turned off. I can't think too far into the future when I don't know where I'll be sleeping tonight. A huge part of being on the street (for me) is not letting people know that I'm on the street. Keeping up the false front that everything is ok takes a huge amount of energy.

People ask where I'm moving to (since I'm obviously moving out of where I am), and I mumble something that sounds like I'm going somewhere in particular. It doesn't compute for them that the person standing in front of them is suddenly as homeless as they guys they see shaking cups on State Street. I frankly don't want to explain, it's a long story, no one will even begin to relate to it, so I fake it. 

Homeless people are never welcome, anywhere. 

When (many, but not all) people find out you're homeless, it's like a switch was flipped. Now you're a problem, and potentially a threat. You are the turd in the punchbowl. Keep moving buddy, you're not allowed here.

Homeless is something that you are all the time.

There is no break, no rest, no peace. Day or night you're still homeless, and if you're lucky you find something to do to keep your mind occupied. Otherwise you rehash the past, over and over again, trying to figure out where you went wrong.

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I saw my primary care doc this week, and she put in a referal to Social Work at the VA hospital for me. I don't expect much to come out of that, but it does give me a chance to tell someone about my situation. I'm also going to find out if Porchlight or the VA person ever let the hospital people know I was on the street again. I'm betting they didn't.

















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