07 July 2014

Two Minutes to Midnight

Metal is one of those things I turn to when things get fucked up and I need to get my head cleared. Lots of Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Slayer, Metallica. Too many others to list. Pandora knows me well enough now that I just tap play. Metal therapy.



My person at the Vet Center talked to my person at the mental health clinic at the VA hospital again recently. This doesn't normally happen-- the Vet Center and the VA Hospital are intentionally separate from each other. I had to give my OK for the interaction to take place.  I mention this because right now, I'm at a loss for what to do next. So are they, sort of.

I had my entire support structure set up and in place for Spring semester. When Porchlight evicted me, that was pretty tough. Even tougher was that I was literally on my own. I didn't feel like anyone gave a shit about me or college or my dreams. Even with all of the mindfulness work I've done, being abandoned like that is a serious trigger for me. Stress and anxiety went up to the point that I shut down. It's only recently that I've started to feel better.

So, it only takes one big stressor to shut me down. I need to make sure things are in order so that either that one big stressor never happens, or if it does that I can ride it out. One part of what I'm doing going forward is trying to get my life more stable (ie, a normal place to love that I can afford). The other part is mental health, which is where I have the most questions. I'm running out of therapy tracks to try. I have a mental health clinic appointment tomorrow, so hopefully I'll hear about something positive.

This is where it's easy to blame myself, to look in the mirror and tell myself that things didn't work out the way I wanted because I'm the problem.  That's where the depression comes from. There's disappointment, of course, and that sucks. Depression comes when I blame myself, when I let the negative voices have the microphone. It's hard to fight it sometimes, even with the handful of pills I take every day.


There are hackathons coming up this fall, and right now us registration season.  I'm going to attend as many as I can-- depressed or anxious or not, I always have ideas for hacks to work on. Sitting in a room full of other hackers for 36 hours, programming, creating something new, debugging, showing it off-- hacking is what it's about. Which may be the best therapy of all.

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