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30 June 2014

Better. Not cured. Better.

June is almost over. Shit.
I need a place to live very soon.

I haven't been doing so great. I'm in this pattern where I stay up until dawn watching TV, sleep until whenever I wake up, clean up and get dressed, go forage for food, read some stuff and maybe hack on something for a few hours, and then repeat. I get out of my apartment every day, but I keep myself isolated most of the time. Part of that is that I really need some alone time to sort things out a little. April and May I felt like a punching bag the way things were going. 

The other part is that I don't trust anyone any more. I've never given trust lightly, for lots of reasons. Now it's become hard for me to trust anyone that says they're interested in helping me with anything. I used to believe I could 100% trust the VA, until they left me out on the street.  I'm going to keep working with my current mental health care (and primary care) providers at the VA hospital and the Vet Center-- but the homeless program to me is now bullshit.

That the VA homeless program is bullshit is being addressed by the chain of command, by the way. Knock me down, walk away, I come after you-- with help from my friends.

So where does this leave me? Picking up the pieces, putting together a new plan. Setting new goals. Struggling. Recovering, yet again. Recovering is really getting fucking old. Survival mode, which is really getting fucking old too. It's all uphill in the dark. It's exhausting. 

It's also depressing when you think about it too much. How many times am I going to have to rebuild my life again? How much more can I dig deep and find whatever it is that makes me keep trying? When does it run out?

Maybe a lesser man would have given up  a long time ago. Maybe that matters. Maybe it doesn't.

Food, clothing, shelter. Those are the three essentials. A person (ie, me) has to have those to have a chance. I'm going to add a fourth essential to the list-- stability

I can manage things okay if things are generally stable. I can't do much to make progress when I'm being hammered from two or three sides at once. If things are stable I'm not perfect, but I'm better. (I've  sort of given up on being 'well'. There might be a place where I think of myself as being well, but I don't see a way to get there from here.)

If stable is better,  then I need to work on stable.

So be it.

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