02 December 2013

Ranting. Thinking out loud. Etc.

Today at vets house is pre inspection day. The Big Inspection is on Friday. 

Except that the pre inspection inspection hadn't happened today. Not yet anyway. So, that emergency work order I had to sign to allow maintenance to clean my room?  Seems like not much of an emergency to anyone.

I know I'm rehashing all of this room cleaning stuff, and I'm tired of writing about it.  *Someone* has to say something about it, because it's bullshit and because it will never see the light of day otherwise.

I in particular have to write about this vets house stuff because it has to go somewhere-- I can't just not deal with it. Tomorrow will be another day, and I will have to worry that some maintenance or staff person is going to show up at my door unannounced and demand to be let in. Or worse, use the master key and stroll on in like the door was never even locked.

I worry that during one of appointments this week, they'll come into my room and there will be no case manager there to make sure no one fucks with the few belongings I have in my room.

I worry because since nothing happened today, something will happen tonight. There will be a note or letter on my door that introduces some sort of new bullshit that I have to deal with.

I have no idea, again, still, how much money will be pulled from my account to pay for the rent this month. Not a lot to ask to know that.

It could be said that I'm lucky to have a place to live and food to eat. Except that I pay rent, give up my privacy and sometimes my dignity to live here. 

Is it worth it, to be in this program? I suppose it is, because the alternative is spending the winter sleeping outside. As much as I sometimes talk tough, being on the street ages a person, gnaws at your soul, threatens to break your spirit.

For some people, that's what happens.

There are also homeless people that, given a choice, would rather stay homeless. I never understood how someone could choose to live on the street, suffer the elements and the danger and the loneliness. 

I understand them now. Maybe not 100%, but much more now than before.

This shit with the inspections and the rent and everything else needs to stop. It's keeping me anxious and afraid and upset, and while I'm fighting it with all I have, it's honestly getting really fucking old.

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