21 May 2013

Sleeping pattern, adjusting/tweaking/changing

Saw my psychiatrist last week, and she adjusted my meds to hopefully help me sleep. More venlafaxine and normal bupropion earlier in the day, and normal dose of both in earlier evening. Then trazodone, a blood pressure med that turns out to help nightmares (and whose name I've forgotten), and optionally Ambien. Seems like I'm more "here" now, except when I'm not sleeping all day because I was up all night. Perhaps it takes time to break that pattern.

I learned that it's not unusual for vets with PTSD to not want to go to sleep, because being asleep is when you're the most vulnerable. Shit can happen when you're asleep, because you couldn't see it coming. Sleep is when nightmares happen. If I had nightmares last night, why would I want to go to sleep tonight? Night time is sometimes the only time when my environment is quiet, so that's when I want to be awake.

There's a notice on the whiteboard that hangs in the chow hall at vets house. Over the next month or so, various contractors and maintenance people will be around the building. Oh, and thanks for your cooperation and understanding. That kind of advance apology usually means someone is going to do something that's going to have a bad effect on me, and they're going to do it anyway.

Contractors and maintenance people, or at least the kind that fix things in apartment buildings, work during the day. Which is when I'm more likely to be asleep, especially in the morning (I work nights until 0100, and when I do sleep I'm in bed at around 0300).

Last summer, my landlord had reasons every few days for wanting to have someone in my apartment during the day. With that (and rent troubles) happening, I constantly had notes taped on my door. City ordinance requires 24 hour notice, but they'd usually post something in the afternoon the day before. Now, when I get to my apartment/room, I look at the door for folded and taped pieces of paper. If I'm home, when I wake up I look at the outside of my door. I actually hate getting home, because I'm always afraid I'll see that paper attached to my door. Paper means someone is going to want to be in my space, and that someone will either knock or just come on in. I'm hyper aware as it is, and now someone I don't know is going to want in?

F#$% off. I don't want any. Go away.

If I sound kinda grouchy lately, it's because I've realized that vets house isn't a comfortable place for me, and probably never will be. I'm doing a lot of that, lately-- trying to accept that some situations are just effed up.

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