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23 March 2013

Meds. Nightmares. Socialness.

Made it to Transitions Clinic on Monday and Friday. Wednesday I was awake in time, but groggy enough that I lost all track of time. Then it was after 1300, I didn’t have any other appointments, and it wasn’t worth the effort to be there for only ~20 minutes.

I did talk to my case manager, and she’s helping me with some benefits applications. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but part of Transitional Housing is that you have to apply for any benefits you’re eligible for. I’m below the Federal poverty line (!!) based on my income last year. Sort of discouraging. This isn’t how I had things planned- but plans never turn out exactly right anyway. Someday all of the applications will be sorted out, and that’ll be that.

I also made a first official visit to the Vet Center here. I’d stopped there before to grab coffee and such, but yesterday I had an actual appointment. The social worker there is also a Desert Storm veteran (everyone that works there is a combat vet). She’s going to help me with some of the readjustment issues I’m facing; PTSD, nightmares, jumpiness, etc. It was a good experience. Honestly, I wish I’d made an appointment there a long time ago.

I have another new medication, this one to help with nightmares. It’s a blood pressure medication, prazosin. My doc and pharmacist explained that veterans who had PTSD symptoms and who were also taking prazosin reported that their nightmares were better. I’ve only been taking it for a few nights, and the dosage will be increased slowly. So nothing to report just yet. I am hopeful, though. One of the main reasons I’m up all night so often is that I have nightmares-- better to be awake and tired that asleep and dreaming shit I don’t want to see.

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I’d say something about my social life, but there’s not much there to talk about. I’ve mostly been avoiding contact with the world for a while now. If I let anyone get to know me, at some point they’ll find out that I’m homeless and live in what amounts to a shelter. They’ll find out I have PTSD and probably get the wrong idea, or at least have trouble understanding what’s going on. It’s taken me a long time to understand all of this stuff, and I’m the one experiencing this stuff 24/7.

Sometimes I feel I’m not giving other people enough credit; most of the people I’m around are pretty smart, very accepting, and easy to work with. Being able to trust people with what I’m feeling is still new though, and most people I know just don’t have much experience being around people with PTSD. Maybe I’m wrong about that, and I’m just basing my opinion on what’s happened in the past. It’s easy to stay in my own world, even if my world isn’t always fun to be in. It’s much harder to be vulnerable and let other people in.

I am considering putting myself up on a dating site or two again. Some days I think it’s a good idea, and some days I won’t even consider it.

America said it so well:
Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed
That I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed
I ain't ready for the altar but I do agree there's times
When a woman sure can be a friend of mine

Songwriters: BECKLEY, GERRY
Sister Golden Hair lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.


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