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16 January 2013

Stuck

I'm feeling stuck. Life feels more than a little bit overwhelming.

Living in my car last year was rough in a lot of ways, but ignoring many of my life problems for that time allowed me to accomplish a few things. I got back to programming, working on an idea that I had come up with. I made some new friends in the undergraduate project lab. I even participated in Facebook's Hackathon.

It was only 2 1/2 months, sure. The weather was getting colder though, and the reality was setting in as Halloween approached. I'd applied for transitional housing from the VA, and was accepted in time to move in on Nov 1. Living in my car didn't seem so much fun once I knew I'd have a place to live soon. In a way, I beat being homeless. I survived, didn't start drinking, didn't get into drugs, didn't end up in jail.

In a way, though, being homeless beat me. Or, rather, PTSD beat me. All of this had started in 2011, when I hadn't filed a FAFSA and so didn't have any financial aid. No aid = no money for rent. The apartment I moved into in 2012 was only for the summer anyway, but I wasn't able to do very well thinking about apartments. Anyway-- here I am, under a roof. So maybe I'm not completely on the losing side.

Lately, I haven't felt well. I manage to get to work, and usually manage to get downstairs for supper. I'm not keeping up with self maintenance as well as I would if I were feeling good. I'm avoiding problems, instead of facing them. Avoidance is still a big issue for me. So is self blame. It's still difficult for me to admit that all of this can be traced back to PTSD as the cause. I don't want to be seen as weak, as a failure-- I feel like there's a crazy amount of success I need to have to fill in the space left by my failures.



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