17 November 2012

Chronologically challenging. Challenged. Whatever.

It's Friday (well, Saturday) already? I lost track of the days this week... it doesn't feel like Friday, or like I've reached the end of another week. I'm done with work in 45 minutes, but it only loosely feels like the middle of the night. I'll be surprised to see no one on the street in the same way that I am surprised when I'm out during the day and see lots of people. Where the hell did all these people come from? Oh-- lunchtime. Yeah, that.

This week's therapy appointment went a bit better, although this time I was late getting there. No particular reason, except that I didn't leave home in enough time to get to the bus stop. I missed one bus that left while I was a block away, so I had to wait for the next one. I'm continuing with behavioral modification, small goals that that can be accomplished. Those are what I often have trouble with. Tell me I'm going to be homeless for an undetermined amount of time, and I do pretty well. Want me to do laundry once a week, it might get done once a week and it might probably won't happen.

People often say things like "why haven't you called?" or "where were you? we were expecting you...", and I don't have an answer. It's not that I'm an asshole and don't consider talking to you important, it's that how I move through time looks different to me. Time is time, unless physics figures out otherwise, but where some people have no problem with considering 10 minutes early to be 5 minutes late, I struggle. Part of the problem for me is simply getting ready and out of my apartment. The hour between now and when need to leave goes by in an instant, and then I can't find my keys or my glasses or one of the other things I need to have in my pockets or I simply can't leave, I just can't.

I haven't called because as I've gotten older I've liked talking on the phone less and less. If you call me while I'm on the way to wherever I'm supposed to be I won't answer, and that's because I'm all kinds of triggered and the last thing I want to do explain that. If I haven't called you back, it's because I'm far better at reading a text or email and having time to decide how to respond than I am having an immediate answer when I talk to you.

It is also true that the phone ringing has often meant trouble; a recall notification that says I'm going off to war (or in to work to play war), someone is sick or injured or dead or all three, a bill that I'll never be able to pay off is due. She'd rather be just friends. Don't bother coming in to work. And on and on... if you're not already in my contacts list, I don't answer the phone. Ever. There are a few who I keep in my contacts list, so if they ever call I'll know who it is and not answer.

I'm paranoid, I don't trust people, and I sometimes drive myself nuts just getting out the door. And what day of the week is it again?

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