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16 October 2012

Balancing (or not)

Haven't been sleeping so well- past few nights I haven't slept much at all. That changed on Monday. I fell asleep at around 0430 and woke up around 2100. When your body decides it's had enough if your not sleeping crap. it takes over and you sleep.

Then you wake up and it's dark when it shouldn't be, and until your internal navigation system kicks back in, you wonder where the fuck you are and why you don't know the answer.

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A fucked up sleeping pattern is serious. For me, it means that my meds schedule gets messed up, and that means my head gets messed up.

I know how to recognize things like this now, and it is probably easier to recover than it used to be. I still end up feeling like hell though.

It starts with hyper vigilance- noises seem more loud and more annoying. Locks need to be double checked twice. Pockets need to be checked for the right items in the right places.

The world spins, wobbles a little. Equilibrium all of a sudden isn't, and I need to place a hand on something solid. One step at a time. What's the next thing I need to do? Ok. Do just that, focus on just that. Slowly.

What day is it? What time is it? Figure that out first, next actions depend on that.

Bathroom. Coffee. Food? When did I last eat?

Schedule- did I miss anything? Class, work, emails, phone calls? Anything important? Hope not.

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Dreams. Yes, they are in color. Sometimes I'm back with my exwife, headed back to active duty. A war? Maybe. Sometimes. Nuclear, last night although I can't remember context.

The base I report to varies. There's a combat outpost, and bases that look a lot like real places I've been. I'm back, usually no uniform or gear- training first, but morning shows up before I get that far.

Or, I'm to report tomorrow.

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It is a balancing act, a tightrope walk, motion in three dimensions. One hand on the stick, the gauges on the panel spinning and turning and sometimes the lights are red, other times they are green, and sometimes flashing.

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Then I woke up in my car, in a parking ramp, and start another day.

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