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21 July 2012

Why can't you do this one thing? Tell me! Why?


So much happening, I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve managed to not get paid for a while now; I’m working, but since I didn’t enter my hours in the time sheet, they didn’t get processed by payroll. As days have ticked by I’ve become more and more anxious about saying “yeah, I’ve been forgetting this for quite a while now...” It’s one of those simple things that’s hard to do, and even harder to explain when people ask why you didn’t do it in the first place. Since it’s the weekend, I can’t accomplish much with that. It’s on the list for Monday.

Since I haven’t been paid, I wasn’t able to get my rent paid on time. This time the eviction is going to happen. I’m packing up my stuff anyway, as my lease ends on August 15th, but now I have to move a bit faster. My landlord notified me about an “inspection” on Wednesday, so that they could see if anything needed to be fixed when I move out. That’s normal. Leases here end mid August, and there’s about 24 hours before new leases begin. That’s when they jump in and do fixes. My landlady decided she’d also use the opportunity to be bitchy and tell me several times that she wanted me moved out of the apartment. Lady, I know that eviction means GTFO. I get it. Go ‘way.

I didn’t sleep at all Tuesday night, since I knew they’d be coming to check my apartment. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t like strangers in my space-- it triggers me to no end. My landlady’s normal way of handling these inspections is to knock as she’s inserting the key and opening the door. My normal way of dealing with that is stopping the movement of the door and looking outside to see who is there before I let them in. If you want to come into my castle, you knock and then you wait to be let in-- she doesn’t agree, apparently.

Wednesday night I didn’t sleep much either, but at some point my body decided that enough was enough and I fell asleep where I was, which happened to be my futon. I woke up late afternoon Thursday, realizing that I’d missed both my behavioral action group, and most of the day. I managed to get up and go to work, and that was Thursday. My life includes a lot of missed days like that, where the day happened but I was not an active participant. Today was the same. I didn’t sleep (much) last night, woke up when most of the day was gone, and I’ve been sluggish since. The worst thing about being on a fucked up sleep schedule is that my body is sleeping during times when it is supposed to be ingesting pills. Sleeping all day means I miss one dose each of two of my meds-- which really knocks me out of whack for a few days. That’s where I am now, just not feeling like things are together.

--

I received an email this week from someone I’d been dating this spring, asking how I’m doing; she’d gone back to work and closed me out of her life. My reply was probably less than shiny. I know that at some point I’m supposed to learn to trust and accept, but it’s hard to do that when I have so few people in my life that have proved that I can trust them. Too many years I spent giving the shirt off my back, and getting nothing in return. Being abandoned sucks, and I find it hard to forgive when it happens to me.

Even if it means I continue to be alone.

--

When I did finally get moving today, I made it down the street to Mickey D’s for lunch. A couple of tables in front of me, a mom and her teenage daughter sat down to eat. Mom was loud enough that I could hear her easily-- she was berating her daughter for not trying, not keeping up with physical therapy/rehab. I heard her name, but here I’ll just call her Emily. From what I could tell, Emily had at some point injured her leg. Recovery was slow, partly because Emily wasn’t doing everything she was supposed to do. Mom was angry, trying to motivate Emily by talking about how bad life would be in the future if she didn’t get her ass in gear.

Emily was in tears, after a few minutes of Mom demanding answers.

If I’d been able to cry, I would have too. I heard a lot of that kind of motivation when I was growing up. “Why can’t you just buckle down and get [insert task here] done? You’ll never be anything if you don’t....”

Trying to motivate someone using negativity never works. Most times, that person probably has some other issue that’s holding them back. In Emily’s case, maybe she was still dealing with whatever had happened-- car/bike accident? Athletic injury? Either way, the injury was an emotional as well as a physical setback for her. She needs compassion and encouragement. I, too, needed those things when I was her age. They weren’t there for me either.

People seem to want to assign blame to someone who is injured (visibly or not). “Why can’t/won’t you do this? This matters, damn it! Stop slacking, you could be so much better if...”

No, we can’t. That’s not to say that Emily will never heal from her injury, or that I will never heal from mine-- we will, hopefully. The world seems to expect that we will immediately bounce back and be the best we can be, especially if we were strong before the injury. It’s not that easy. The world loves to see success stories that show someone that has come back after adversity. Those stories never seem to cover the darkness between a traumatic event and the “triumphant return”, and so we begin to believe that if we can just “get better” like the world wants from us, all will be well.  It’s so simple, you just get motivated and do it.

Physical therapy isn’t that hard, you just have to do it! Why can’t you!?

Filling out a time card every two weeks is so simple, why couldn’t you get that done and get paid!?


It’s not simple, it’s complicated. You looking in, you don’t have to know why it’s so complicated. You have to understand that it just is and act accordingly. A little flexibility won’t kill you.

--

Emily, I hope everything turns out good for you. I wish I could do more than just hope.



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