12 July 2012

This week in...

Being at the VA twice a week helps. The two groups I'm in are very similar, but each has it's own focus. Being in a group of other vets with similar problems helps too, because it helps with the isolation of dealing with all of this stuff.

I'm sitting in one of the academic buildings here, and it's so quiet I can hear the quiet. Tonight I'm also a bit distracted from the heat and noise and dust from daytime. My day starts when the construction crews arrive and start working. My apartment shakes, trucks are backing up and beeping, and even closing the window and kicking the air on doesn't drown it out. I get my quiet time here, where if there are other people, they are here to be quiet too.

Daytimes are more and more difficult for me. I wake up to the construction noise outside, and I can't seem to function at all until late afternoon. It's a little better on my group therapy days, because I have a time and a place to be. Those days, I have to walk outside to figure out how I'm going to get out of my parking lot and pointed in the direction of the VA hospital. There are places I can go besides the VA of course, but then I have to walk through the construction. When I've tried, the anxiety gets bad, and I get angry and irritated. I know that these guys are just working hard, and trying to make a living-- but damn, could they at least leave a sidewalk open? (They also remind me a lot of my family growing up, which makes it more difficult for me.)

The "shelter" part of the basic three (food, clothing, shelter) is continuing to cause me grief. I didn't get my hours in on time at work again, so now I'm playing catchup to get the rent paid. I also got a notice with my move out appointment time, and I still don't have a place to call home after that. My fear there is that I'm not going to be able to find a place, and that if I do they'll contact my two most recent landlords for references- both of whom I've had trouble keeping my account up to date with.

There's also the loneliness that comes with seldom leaving my apartment except for work. I've decided to put off dating (or trying to date, I wasn't having much luck) for a while. Pulled down my dating site profile, removed the app from my phone, etc. I need to focus on myself.

Which ain't easy.

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