03 July 2012

Avoiding. And, more avoiding

I have three ongoing goals that are part of me getting better. One, up and out of bed at or before 1100. Two, shower/shave/etc. Three, go somewhere-- work doesn't count.

Some days, I manage to get all three. Some, two out of three ain't bad. It just gets worse from there.

In my behavioral action group, I have weekly goals. This week it's spend two hours working in the engineering library, fixing my bike, and responding to two apartment listings.

I could add many things that need to be done. I want to downsize even more, so I need to sort through my clothes and see what stays and what gets donated. I'm keeping my computer science and math related textbooks, but there are some other books on my shelves that I haven't read for years-- they can go too. The bookshelves holding them date back 10+ years, and they were the cheapest ones available-- see ya. And a large collection of old papers and bills and junk mail that I'm afraid to throw away because it has my name and address on each slip of paper.

I've had a lot taken away from me. I suppose I figure if I keep enough stuff, no one can take it all away. There is comfort in material things, but when I see other peoples apartments I never see clutter. I see only what's necessary to make it a place to live, a place to call home. A place that one person can manage with a minimum of fuss and bother. I can get better at managing life, but I can also reduce the amount of stuff I have to manage.

I'm also working on the idea that there are people from all over the world here. There are many from much larger cities than where I grew up, many whose families were less chaotic than mine. People who have a family that they can go home to and get support from. I feel like an outcast sometimes because my brain magnifies these things. So many people can do things I can't, and have things I don't have-- me finding peace requires that I stop giving a shit about comparing those people to myself.

I just want to be me, but the me I've been lately is feeling pretty beat up and knocked around.

I am slowly becoming used to sitting and reading in the common areas of the computer sciences building, which is where I am now. Late at night it's quiet, of course, but being here is a start.

I know I'm making progress, but I feel like I have such a long way to go, to be ready for school in two months.

I want to be back in school, and I want to be able to handle it at least most of the time.

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