04 May 2012

No, I'm not leaving. Yes, I'm up a creek.

On one hand,

I seem to have trouble with Wednesdays. This week, I woke up late again and missed the morning parts of transitions clinic. I did make it to the early afternoon group-- late, but I made it. I also had an appointment with a psychiatrist (not my new one, but one I do know), and we talked about where I'm headed. Both he and my social worker went to the same university (that I'm trying to keep attending), and a large part of the reason I'm in this program at the VA is doing what's necessary to get my education moving forward again.

He asked me something that I've asked myself-- "Is a change or transfer the answer?" 

The answer to that question is where I make my stand-- "No."

I belong here. Other than the mental health problems I've had, I love being here. The degree program I'm in is what I've always wanted. Graduating will give me opportunities to do what I enjoy doing, chances to build things and make the world a little better than it was when I showed up. Could I transfer to a different (read "easier") program? Yes-- but no matter how successful I became somewhere else, I'd always wonder what if I'd stuck it out and stayed?

I have a lot of preparation to do, and a lot of things to learn. As we discussed on Wednesday, and I've mentioned here before, this university is not here to make it easy for anyone. It requires a total commitment. Making such a commitment is one thing, but succeeding is close to impossible if your mind is somewhere else.  Smart only gets you so far around here; smart is easy. Everyone here is smart. Okay, the playing field is level now. The students that succeed are the ones that work the hardest.

Being realistic means that I have to admit that I'm down 0-2 in the count before I pick up a bat, and before a pitch is thrown. Things that many people take for granted-- getting up in the morning, getting showered and dressed, getting to class on time-- those things are hard for me some days. Life has never been than simple for me. Every day has been a struggle of some sort. There are times that I just... move... slow... and there are other times that I'm so hyper aware and so worried about everything that's going on in the world that I have to look at everything, but I can't focus on anything and so studying at the level I need to study at is impossible... and oh shit, this assignment is due tomorrow and I haven't even started it. (There are no assignments here that can be done the night before they are due.)

I need firm plans for what to do when something goes wrong in my head, because it will happen. How will I get out of the house in the morning if I'm feeling anxious? If I hear a loud sudden noise, or something else triggers me, what do I do so that I can get through the rest of the day?

How can I get over my fear of talking to professors early and often? Manage my schedule so I don't miss anything, but in case I do it's not the end of the semester?

So many questions.

On the other hand,

My landlord just filed eviction papers, as I've been having trouble getting the rent paid on time. Moving a few months ago damn near killed me, I have no credit left, and having a recent eviction would put a serious dent in my ability to get a new apartment close to campus.

I also recently found out that apartment I was planning to move into with several other student veterans this fall is no longer available to me. I would have been able to afford it with the scholarship deal the property managers were offering, but at full price I can't.

My paycheck is already spent. That's the one I got yesterday.

So, that's all just f'in peachy.

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