After two full weeks, and reviewing my notes and handouts, I've realized that I'm in some pretty major therapy. Three days a week, for about four hours a day is a step or two beyond going in to talk to someone about stuff. I'm certainly not complaining, because the therapy is helping. I'm using how I feel as a measuring stick-- I look around my apartment, which either has too much stuff squeezed in or it is just too damn small to be comfortable. I think about the last time I had all of my laundry caught up and my kitchen clean, and I'm not happy with the way things are. Making these things better still seems like I'm looking up at a mountain from a valley. In order to start fixing one thing, I have to fix something else, and it's so easy to not do anything, to feel overwhelmed. There was a time when these things were true, and I didn't care about fixing them. Maybe giving a shit is progress.
My living situation is anything but stable. My landlord filed eviction papers. I've been having trouble paying the rent for several months now, even in the new and smaller apartment. My phone was disconnected for most of the past month, since I didn't have money to pay that either. I suppose it would help if I actually talked to my landlord more, but I fear doing that. A payment plan would be great, but how do I set one up when I'm working 40 hours one week and 30 the next? Honestly, I'm trying to string the situation along enough to get me into my next apartment. My lease is up August 15th (I'm actually subletting now), so it's not that far away.
Part of me wants to just find a new apartment and move immediately, to a place that will let me have a lease until next summer (leases around here run from August to August). I hate moving, and can't afford help this time, so staying where I am may be an option if I can find a way to get caught up. There are some things I can do to make my current place better; donate my bed (which was donated to me) to St. Vinnies, so I have more floor space available. Add a desk, which right now I don't have but really need. Put up some shelves. Perhaps a new place would be a fresh start, help put the recent past behind. I'm not sure.
Something that the psychiatrist said last week when we were talking about college was that I seemed earnest about my goal to graduate. I take that to mean that after all I've been through with school and life, the fact that I'm still trying means a something. After my first semester here, I spent the summer thinking about the past semester (which didn't go so well). I have access to all kinds of online databases, so I read more than a few papers about learning in general along with learning and disabilities. I found articles about learning math. Finally, I wrote my own informal paper based on what I'd been reading. It helped a great deal; after that discussion with the psychiatrist, I'm feeling like I'm in that place again-- where I can really think about what I need to do to be successful.
Or try, anyway. Maybe I'm not quite there. As with most things lately, it seems like a tall mountain to climb.
I'm doing my best to remind myself that mountains are climbed in the same way as people walk down the street-- one step at a time.