05 March 2012
Managing and Finding Answers
Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m a mess. I have a ton of laundry to do, still have stuff in my car that needs to be brought upstairs to my apartment, and I have no money until payday. I’ve actually been getting tired after getting home from work though, so I’m getting to sleep some nights instead of being up until 0500 or so. Small progress, I suppose. Of course, I’ve also been sleeping 10 hours or so at a time, which has me a little concerned-- not so much that I’m sleeping that long, but that I feel like a truck ran over with every axle when I wake up. (And I’m groggy when I wake up anyway.) Although true, that’s not what this post is about.
Fall 2012. That’s what this post is about. That, and what happens between now and then. Assuming all goes well, I’ll have a normal schedule of comp sci and math classes, a crapton of reading and homework and studying to do, and I’ll be drinking coffee to make it all happen. If the road starts here, then it starts here. One step outside my apartment. Where I haven’t been lately, except to go to work and McDonalds.
Tonight, I went to the coffeehouse where I spent several hours a day when I was attending community college. It’s across the street and hang a left from the downtown campus, which also puts it within walking range of the university (and my apartment). They have really good coffee (as you’d expect), and really good sammiches, and music appropriate for doing things like learning and practicing how cryptography worked in WWII. It’s a good place, and I remembered feeling safe there.
And I’m broke, but I have gift certificates from there, so it was a good choice for supper. Certs = Nomz.
It was pretty quiet. A few people working in the main room at various tables, and only two in the back room. Some anxiety from me, until I realized that I was being quiet and no one even looked up when I sat down. I really don’t remember the last time I’d sat in that back room. It’s been a long while, a year maybe? Perhaps not that long. Anyway, once I got settled a bit I got out the binder I’d started when I was first beginning cognitive based therapy. (I wrote about this particular binder in 2009; that post is the most read of any of my posts.) Since i started adding stuff the first week of CBT, it’s had coffee spilled on it, it’s gotten wet, it’s outgrown a couple of different binders.
I’ve also added notes (and notes to notes) as I’ve reviewed the worksheets, so I can look back and see where I was having difficulty before, and what I did about it. I can also see recurring patterns, and recurring stuck points. Looking through those worksheets, I noticed a common thread: I’m ashamed of the times I’ve failed (and of failure in general). I’m ashamed of what happened to me as a kid. And, sometimes, I feel ashamed that I didn’t do more during my time in the Desert.
Most of all, I’m ashamed of myself. How could I let myself get into a situation where money is so tight, academics are hosed, and I can’t leave my apartment except for McDoubles and Shamrock Shakes, and going to work? WTF, over?
I was at the coffeehouse for about two hours, leafing through my notes, adding new annotations.I don’t know where those two hours went, but between reviewing my notes, sipping coffee, and eating my sandwich, I lost track of them. I was-- get this-- concentrating on what I was doing. Hell, I’m concentrating on what I’m doing now, too.
So this, then, is the start. I’d been wondering where it was. Turns out it wasn’t in my apartment after all.
p.s.: I still have the pile of laundry and the carload of stuff to sort out. Two hours of concentration on one thing is better than I did in most on 2011, so I'm ignoring those things for now. :D