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24 February 2012

(Not) drinking, sluggishness, and more on dating

So, it's Friday night. I don't have plans to go out anywhere, but that's not unusual. I won't say that I never drink, but it's not often- and going out around campus usually means drinking at bar or house party. Both options are too crowded and too noisy. Back in the day, I went out all the time- there was a point in my life where I had a few beers every night. Softball one night, bowling one night, darts two nights, and then out for the hell of it on weekends. Life didn't hurt most of the time, because I wasn't able to feel it most of the time.

Now, I buy a six-pack of tall boys now and then. When I do, it usually lasts three weeks or so. Tonight, a beer sounds good, but my fridge is empty and it's after 2100. Gotta love blue laws... or not.

I sometimes feel lucky- as bad as things get, I haven't become an alcoholic. Never touched drugs. Stayed out of trouble. I might yell at the occasional other driver, perhaps offer up a one finger salute here and there. I've always tried to avoid that line, the one where once you cross there's no turning back. Doing ok with that so far.

I'm feeling like a slug since moving day. I slept most of the day away today and haven't done much since waking up. I need to go grocery shopping, but I haven't been hungry much the past few days. When I've been hungry, my food of choice has been Mickey D's. Ordinarily, it doesn't taste good. Past few days it has; that and McD's has been the only place other than work and home that I've been. They have a couple of corner booths that I feel safe sitting in. I'm trying to get out and be among people even if it's only strangers.

Work is keeping me going, I think. I've received good feedback from customers I've helped over the past few months, and my recent review was very good. I'm trying to build on that.

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I am still sort of trying to date- I have a profile up on a dating site, anyway. I'm honest about my PTSD in my profile, which is probably a reason that I don't get many responses.

There's this idea out there that veterans are either bombs waiting to explode, or so messed up that we're somehow not worth the effort to deal with us.

I was abused as a child simply because I was there- I didn't have the choice to have all of these memories. Still, they will always be there.

I did volunteer to serve my country, knowing I'd likely be in a dangerous place at some point. Turns out it was Desert Shield/Desert Storm. Those memories will never disappear either, but I'm proud of my service.

Yeah, I have some issues now. I'm easily startled, I can be very withdrawn, and some days I'm depressed. I can't always explain what's wrong or what someone else can do to help.

I'm also supporting myself, getting through college on my own, and living a clean (if quiet) life. It's not always easy, and it's rarely simple.

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... and so Friday night goes.

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