Today has been... unsettling. The day didn't begin well, as I didn't get to sleep until around 0430. I woke up at around 1300 or so, my phone replaying Jump Around as a wake up alarm. It usually takes me an hour or so, sometimes more, to wake up and clear the cobwebs. I am trying to stick to a regular meds schedule, and I'd missed a noon dose by being asleep. So I got that taken care of, and got a fresh pot of coffee on. That's as far as productivity got during daylight today.
Tomorrow, my landlord is coming by to inspect my apartment yet again. I am normally cluttered because I usually have several things going on at once-- know that guy with a few old clunkers in the weeds on the back forty? That's me, but with old computers instead of cars. I hate organizing paperwork, so there's some of that too. With the threat of identity theft, I don't throw stuff away if it has any information on it. So there's a couple of trash bags worth of stuff that needs to be looked through to see if there's anything important there, and then shredded and tossed. My place is better than it was a couple of weeks ago, but I don't like being inspected. At 0900 tomorrow when she said she's coming by, I'll be dead to the world asleep. I'm setting up a web cam before turning in tonight.
I haven't been to talk to a dean yet. The voices in my head are telling me that I'm too messed up for classes right now, that the dean will say no. Trying like to overcome those voices, but they're loud.
This is a little scary to write, worse to think-- I also wondered today “if I were gone, would anyone miss me”? It wouldn't take much for the police to figure out. They'd look in my wallet, see the VA healthcare card and the Blue Team card with my doc and nurses names and phone numbers. They'd see the collection of pill bottles, look up what they're for. They'd talk to the VA. The report would read something like “Veteran with PTSD and depression, therapy and meds weren't enough. Had been keeping to himself, was having trouble in school.”
I was able to kick myself in the ass hard enough to get out of my apartment, down the street, and into McDonalds. I was hungry, and while there are many and more edible choices, Mickey D's food has a certain comfort factor. There are also a couple of corner booths to sit in where it's hard for anyone to come and bother you. Getting up and going somewhere helped, as did eating something, but when I got home I still didn't feel all that great.
So I called the VA hospital here to try to set up an appointment. Before fall semester, last summer, I had been going in for mindfulness therapy. As school got closer, I missed several appointments. Looking back, I was having difficulty even then. So the receptionist noted that on the phone, and said she'd make sure to get in touch with my therapy person. I'd called at 1615ish, and the mental health clinic closes at 1630, so not much was going to happen today anyway. I have work later, so I'll have something to do for part of tonight.
About work-- it's been a bright spot, perhaps the only major thing going right lately. I recently was given my yearly review, and it was very favorable. I fill my (electronic) paperwork out the way the Air Force taught me, including details and explanations. There were always two terms that went together, the first being “cover your ass” and the other “attention to detail”. I'm in a position where my work (especially when something breaks) is reviewed and seen by full time staff fairly often. Getting a good review means I must have learned something from my time in uniform. A good review also means that my brain is at least functioning, which gives me hope that my brain can handle school properly as well.
And, I've been able to write a little. The more I write, the more important it becomes for me.
Finally, I'm making more and more use of Twitter. Follow @airmanopus if you'd like to hear more about what I'm up to when I'm not writing here.