My world is shrinking. I'm keeping myself isolated. Lately I look pretty scruffy; I look in the mirror and say to my reflection "Dude, you kinda look like shit." Since there's no argument to that, I turn away from the mirror and move on to something else.
Looking back, I think I lost my way last fall when I started on medication. I certainly don't regret giving up my self imposed ban on meds, but I never took even a moment to think about what would happen when they actually began to work. If I changed a little bit each day because of the effects of the meds, would I notice it? I did feel them kick in a couple of weeks after I started taking them. At the end of winter break, though, I did feel different. Not necessarily in a good or bad way. Just different.
I've been on meds for just about a year now. I'm also taking a higher dose of one of them (venlafaxine), twice what I've been taking, starting this week. I still feel lost, and often miserable, and I wonder sometimes if it's the meds-- maybe they don't work. Maybe they make things worse. Maybe there's something else wrong with me.
Tonight, as I was leaving work, I noticed something. I'm different. I don't know who I am anymore. And that, I believe, is why I'm feeling so lost and detached. A year of meds and therapy has produced a change, but it's been so slow I haven't been able to see it. I've been looking at challenges through the eyes of who I used to be, rather than the eyes of who I am today.
The guy in the mirror that looks like death warmed over, I used to be him.
It's time for me to get to know myself as I am today.