I'm fighting myself. I've been having trouble keeping myself from being isolated, but lately I haven't been doing so well. I don't have much energy, I don't have much motivation, and honestly I'm feeling a bit numb. As time goes on, I want to interact with other humans less and less, but I also feel lonely. I don't know where my 'place' is. (Being split between two schools doesn't help.)
I've been backing away from my support network of other veterans, too. There are several national veterans organizations, there's a campus student vets organization, there's causes to get involved in. These are places where you're supposed to go to get (and give) support from people like you who understand what you've been through.
Nobody there talks about PTSD. Nobody there calls you to see if you're ok after they haven't seen you for a while. The old vets have buried the memories, or drowned them in alcohol. The younger vets, the ones from Iraq and Afghanistan, they're either not ready to talk about it or they're just starting to drown the memories in alcohol. Desert Shield/Storm is something that happened so long ago now... twenty years ago. I was there for seven months, didn't see the action that people have seen in Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm twenty years older than they are too, and with that comes wisdom that they don't want to hear about.
There is a blog post, out there, that links to one of my posts here. The author of the blog has kind words to say about what I've written, and for that I'm grateful. A comment attached to the blog post (on his blog) is from a solider who basically says "enough with the pity blogs, go get help for your PTSD and shut up. Plenty of people have seen more than you."
I'm not linking to that blog post, or the comment that was posted. I don't want to start a fight. It bothers me, though, that there are real people in the world that think that way. It bothers me even more that there are military people that think that way.
I just want to wake up in the morning feeling good, looking forward to the day ahead. That's all. It's something that seemingly hasn't happened for a long time.