05 June 2011

Numbing. Avoidance. Stuck points.

It's 85 degrees and sunny here today. The sunlight is nice. One of my non-mental health prescriptions is ergocalciferol, which most people know as vitamin D2. Being prescribed D2 is my provider's way of saying I really need to get outside more. Today I'm inside for now, but my apartment faces west and I have sunlight streaming in. I'll call that progress.

As spring semester went on, I isolated myself more and more from the rest of the world. I was going to some classes, getting to work, and I was even in a relationship-- but I was pretty much cut off, and felt that way. Now the semester is over, I'm single again, and all I really have to do that involves other people is work. This is a good thing, because I've been able to get some rest and pay attention to all of the things I either put off or ignored during the semester. I have the opportunity to recharge a bit. It's bad because, well, I'm very alone.

I remember reading somewhere (I'd cite the source if I could remember where I read it) that a person's mental health is often defined by how they feel when they're alone.

Putting aside the appeal I'm working on to stay in school, my life right now is me staying inside my apartment. I need to go grocery shopping, but I've instead been living on delivered food. I skipped both a leadership summit and a volunteer opportunity recently because I just didn't feel up to participating in either. The only times I've really been out of my apartment are the days that I have VA appointments.

I am having great difficulty with time. I've been staying up pretty late (0200 or later), and sleeping in-- today I got up around 1600. It's now 1800, and I can't really tell you what I did between getting up and now that took two hours. I drank some water and read some stuff online, but I'd have to think pretty hard to tell you about what I read.

I have a couple of deadlines and meetings this week; my appeal, and a pilot I'm participating in at work. My body doesn't agree that today is Sunday, so I've had to check the date and day of week several times since waking up to make sure I'm not missing something.

I have a single goal today-- I'm going to go grocery shopping and stock up on food. In the past, I've been able to grocery shopping late at night, because the stores were open 24 hours. Now, they're only open until 2300. My lack of a sense of time has meant that I've planned on getting groceries, but all of a sudden it's 2230 and I don't have time any more.

I'm using numbing and avoidance, because I don't want to deal with people and carts and noise and bright lights. I'm a little afraid that someone's going to bang into my cart, and I'm going to push back-- confrontations are the last thing I need to get myself into.

It's a stuck point-- I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel when I have to drive to the grocery store, deal with finding a place to park, and have to navigate around other people.

It's things like this that keep me in my apartment, ordering pizza for dinner yet again. 

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