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28 May 2011

Struggling. Mindfulness.

There's so much that I want to be different, to make things work right, to just have things be stable. It's hard to change, though, since I've had so much practice-- something happens, and I just unconsciously react to it, and do the same thing I've always done. If things get too overwhelming, if there's too much input, then I automatically do what experience has programmed me to do.

The desks creak, the floor is tile on cement, the room is crowded in a basement. That was two of my classes this past semester, the two that I essentially stopped attending after the first few weeks of the semester. To be perfectly honest, I was so uncomfortable in those rooms that I was afraid to go to class. It wasn't something I thought about, not at all. I'd sleep through my alarm, take too long to get ready, and then there would be no way I'd get to class on time. So I'd stay home.

I'm rationalizing, my brain is coming up with answers that probably make sense. My reaction to being anxious about being in class is to do things that make being numb easier.

This is what I've been dealing with in therapy lately. Training my brain to see that feeling, notice it's there, and let it go instead of following those well established things that I do on automatic. It's called mindfulness therapy. Ideally, I should be taking about ten minutes a day to meditate and practice. Just like going to class, I haven't done that much either.

It is normal for me to get anxious from a sound or image or dream, and need some time to settle back down. When I feel tired, that's now I know that the triggered state has settled down. If things are going well, after the tired feeling I'll be able to mostly function again. It's become very difficult for me to get back to that mostly functioning state. While I know that taking ten minutes to meditate is important for me feeling and doing better, there's so much fallout from the past few months that I feel buried. My apartment is a mess, I'm barely keeping up with laundry, and I'm living on delivered food. Other than going to work and the VA, I don't go anywhere or talk to anybody. Hours go by without my realizing it. This stuff's gotta stop, this is no way to live. Mindfulness better work.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad to read that I'm not the only one struggling just to do basic daily things - you know, laundry, cooking etc. (and studying). I guess it must be depression. I'm trying mindfulness too. It worked really well to begin with but I can't seem to do it properly again now. Sigh... Good luck to you.

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