Today, I feel ok. I was up all night reading material from one of my classes, trying to get caught up. Some time before dawn, there was breakfast and coffee, and then there was sleep. I didn't make either of my classes today. Maybe I came out ahead, maybe I didn't. Not sure yet. I suppose I'd be willing to say my life is making some sense, but I'm so far behind I wonder if I can catch up. And I'm tired, so tired. I've always had the will to keep going, no matter what-- the mission comes first. But lately I'm just tired a lot. It might be that the meds have brought down my hypersensitivity enough that I'm not really tired, but life feels slower than it used to when I had adrenaline flowing all of the time.
There's a lot that doesn't feel quite right.
I often wonder if I belong here, at this university.
This semester has become another train wreck. The cars aren't derailed yet, but the train is going around a curve way too fast and the brakes are iffy. I'm trying to find a perspective, a point where I can look at things and be able to say I'm either at peace with them, or need to work on them. I think. Do I really belong here? Have I earned it? It's been a struggle the whole way. I've never felt like I had everything under control in school, I've always been fighting deadlines, and I've often had to accept less than perfect at the end of a semester.
I wonder if I'm smart enough or hardworking enough, or if I deserve to be here. When I'm able to study, I can do the work. Being in a research university environment, there's always someone smarter and more educated than you-- it goes with the territory. When I can't get out of my apartment, or I feel triggered in a classroom or library (or even walking down the street), the people around me are all going to class. They are all studying, they are all getting their assignments done, and they are all getting to class 90% of the time. And that's when I feel like I don't belong here, when I'm having all of these issues and everyone else is moving forward.
Feeling like I'm falling behind a little, I get anxious. Getting anxious, I get hyperaware, and from there I get more anxious, and the treat level builds up to the point that I'm afraid to go to class. It's like I'm the engineer running the train, and suddenly I'm standing at the controls not moving while the train is flying down the track. Forward motion doesn't stop because I stop pressing the controls.
I can see the controls inside the train, I can see the train itself, and I can see the world flying by far too fast. But I can't feel it. I'm trying to find my balance, get my sea legs, but what I'm seeing and feeling and hearing doesn't jibe with where I feel like I am.