I really don't know. Ok so maybe I do know, but there were things I wanted to accomplish today that I haven't even thought about, and it's already approaching the later part of the evening. So much to do, so little time... and so many things to worry about. I'm feeling overwhelmed, detached from the world... like I've stepped off the train in the middle of nowhere, without a station in sight. One could imagine a tumbleweed rolling past right about now, maybe a coyote in the distance.
One thing that I think is keeping my brain going overtime is, what's next? When I graduate from college, I'll need to look for a job, wear a suit, remember how to answer interview questions. I'll have to tell someone how great I am for the position, while at the same time I may have to ask for accommodations for the PTSD stuff I carry around. Graduating won't make it go away.
My experiences with Corporate America haven't been the greatest. I'm chronologically challenged, meaning I'm late to places often, and although I'm getting better with it I still have problems concentrating. There are times when I simply need to step outside for a minute. I'm afraid to actually graduate and work for a company-- I want to be somewhere that I'm comfortable, but my current view of companies doesn't match what I'm after. So I'm a little confused about where I'm headed, and I think that's part of why I'm having problems with where I am.
A single day of my life is overwhelming enough on its own; I have classes, notes, homework, work, dishes, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, VA appointments. I'm busy, and I'm fine with that, but thinking about the future (and/or the past) makes the whole balancing act topple over. Thinking about where I'm going to be in a couple of years, wondering if I'll be able to cope with PTSD and work, remembering my last job at which I was triggered all the time-- it's just too much.
There are those times when you're so overwhelmed that all you can do is sit there, stare off into space where you're really not seeing anything. Sounds happen, but you really don't hear them. It's a forced peace, and as much as you try, it doesn't last as long as you need it to last. Maybe that's where the last day, the last week, the last two months have gone. Maybe I've just been so overwhelmed with everything that I've been in that state, and just didn't realize it.
I have so much to do. Behind this far behind sucks. Small steps don't feel like progress at all.