10 February 2011

Stuck points - part 2

"Self," I says to myself, more than once, "you and I need to make a comeback.  Get back in the game.  Break this cycle, make the changes, tweak some things here and there, make it all right.  Get back to normal.

And, so, while I've been trying for a very long time to "get back to normal", and while I've been moving forward a step at a time I have also been standing still. 

This semester is not going well.  I'm ok with my class material, meaning I generally understand what's going on, but I'm missing a lot of classes and not getting my assignments done.  My apartment is a mess, my sleep schedule is fubar, I eat too much, and I don't have much social life.  Even with all of the medication I'm on, I feel depressed. Without the pills, I'm sure I'd be in much worse shape.  Whatever.  Here I am.

Life is a journey, not a destination. Put one foot in front of the other. Take baby steps. Keep moving. You'll eventually get there.  One day the clouds will clear, the sun will shine, the birds will sing and you will be happy. You will be free of all of this, and life will be wonderful and happy.  You have to hang on, just a little longer.  Take one day at a time.

If I can just make it through today, I can do better tomorrow.  365 days a year, over and over.  Keep climbing that mountain.  Reach for the top.

When you reach the summit, the very top of a mountain, and after you admire the view for a while... then what? What next? Where do you go from here?

Stand on the top of that mountain, and think about it.  The only way to go is back down the mountain.

So much for all those supportive analogies about mountains.

I've been more or less anonymous for the 2+ years I've been writing this blog.  I've done what I've always done, keep my pain and fear and anxiety in its own space even as I've written that doing so was the wrong thing to do.

I am not discounting the journey I've been on this far.  Life is hard work, and I've had good and bad says, some better than others.  Certain parts of my life stand out-- the four years I spent wearing a uniform, the 2+ years I spend overseas, the seven months I spent in the Desert, the hours I spent wearing a gas mask, and the minutes I spent running for a bunker as soon as I heard the click of the PA system.

I've been married, separated, divorced, foreclosed on.  I've declared bankruptcy, the ultimate reset button.  I've had days (and weeks) when I lived on ramen noodles and generic soda.  I've also moved on, moved out, moved up, earned an associates degree, and transferred to a university where I'm surrounded by smart, motivated people.  My coursework is logic, mathematics, analysis, algorithms, cryptography.  Every day I learn a little bit more about how the world really functions, and every day I am amazed.

I don't want to make a comeback.  A comeback means that you get another chance to do what you used to do, a chance to prove that even though it was in the past, you can still kick ass at the game.  My past was anxious, confused, and depressing.  There were good moments, yes, but overall, life for me meant being in places I didn't want to be.  Getting through the day and wishing I were somewhere else.  Why would I want to make a comeback to that?

I'm not back, and I have not arrived.  I am simply here, where I want to be, doing the things I want to do.  There is much work to be done-- I have to tweak things until I find the balance between sleeping, eating, classes, assignments, medications, life.  Or maybe not.  Maybe I can just be here, now.  Proud of who I am and what I've done to get here.  Making the most of being here.

Still gotta start getting to class, and getting my homework done.  No change starts without an attitude adjustment.

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