Why am I stuck in this pattern, not taking care of myself and my surroundings as I should, not getting to class, becoming less and less engaged in life?ˆ
Life is good. I'm where I've always wanted to be, doing what I've always wanted to do. I should be happy. I should be productive. Should, should, should... yet I'm having trouble being here.
I have survived in situations where there was little hope. I have kept on living through places where I knew exactly how I'd end it, if it came to that. I have been hopeless, damn near homeless, broke, cold, and hungry. I've never starved, because I always seem to find a way to scrape together a day. Dollar menu at Burger King. Cheap ass mac and cheese. Hot dogs. Along with that, cold showers, candles for light, and no heat. And no one arriving at my door to save me.
I am here, physically, because I did what I had to do to survive for one more day. I just did that lots of times, and eventually-- by busting my ass and losing sleep-- I was able to take some baby steps forward.
Now I'm here, and I'm scared shitless.
I have four classes this semester. Two of them I am able to get to on a more or less regular basis. The other two, I'm scared to go to. The classrooms are crowded and somewhat noisy, which may be part of the problem. One class involves group work that I haven't yet gotten involved in, and that may contribute to the problem. I don't know for sure why I'm so anxious and scared of these classes, I just know that I am.
I'm also becoming more and more socially withdrawn. I've backed off from being involved in the student orgs I was active with the past two semesters. I feel like they're interesting, but not in terms of emotional support, which is what I really need.
This place, this university, this environment. It's perfect. It's everything. It's what I've worked for, just being here.
I'm not rich but the rent and bills are paid. I can order delivery or go out occasionally. I can buy things, some necessary and some not. I have enough supplies and books, and a new computer. Financially, I'm stable.
My classes, even the ones I'm so anxious about attending, are fascinating-- they're several notches above anything I've studied before. They didn't do stuff like this at the community college I attended, or the satellite (smaller) universities I attended.
I have a theory.
All of my life has been about getting from where I was, to someplace better. Incremental improvements, doing the best I could with what I had at the time. Survival for its own sake. Staying alive until I could escape, hopefully to somewhere better. I've had a lot of times when I ran into brick walls, and realized I couldn't get there from here-- so I had to find a different route, do more things before I could take that next step.
Where I am now, I don't want to run from. This is where I've been trying to get to all these years.
I'm scared. I'm where I want to be, but I'm scared.
I'm scared because it's all new. My life has never been about living in the moment, enjoying where I am, for very long. The days and times where I could just look around and say I was comfortable and happy and didn't need anything else... they're few, and far between.
I honestly don't know what it's like to have everything in order, or how to behave in that (this) kind of environment.
Chaos, danger, clutter, hanging on by a thread-- that stuff I'm good at.