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25 January 2011

Fear of a crowded classroom

So far, the semester's going okay-- then again, it's only the first week.

I'm having difficulty getting to one of my classes, the one I have at 1100 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  The room was full the first day of classes, and I had grab a chair/desk from the next room so I'd have a place to sit down.  It's a fairly small classroom.  I'm honestly afraid to go to that class because the room is so completely full; and I haven't gone since the first day of classes.

No one there is likely to hurt me.  Nothing bad is likely to happen.  I tell myself that, but the idea of going to that class feels incredibly uncomfortable.

To some extent, I've been learning to tolerate those types of feelings.  I generally don't force myself into places where I feel uncomfortable.  I know that what I need to do is examine why I feel uncomfortable there, express the emotions, and challenge those feelings.  It's me avoiding that class that has me concerned... I need to find a way to make peace with the feelings enough that I can go to that class twice a week.

I feel like I'm avoiding the issue.  The right thing to do is grab the binder of stuff I had from my 12-week cognitive therapy program, and go through the steps to challenge my fear of going to that class.  I've known I needed to do that since I missed class this morning, but it's getting to be late evening and I haven't done anything about it yet.

It's frustrating... I know I've come so far and made so much progress, and I want to be able to do the basics (getting to class, but other things too) without the PTSD getting in the way.  Fighting my way over, under, and around obstacles gets tiring sometimes.

I'm going to get done what I can tonight-- I finally have all of my books, so I can get caught up with the first chapters that I haven't read yet.  It is the same battle I fought last semester, wanting to hole up in my apartment.  I feel like I'm not really living when I'm just sitting at home not getting anything accomplished, yet I'm very nervous about going somewhere to study.

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