15 November 2010

Watching the clock

I've noticed a pattern: I'll be reading stuff online, or watching TV, or doing something that's not studying, and I'll look at the clock.  It'll say 1835, and so I'll tell myself that at 1900, I'll stop doing what I'm doing and get the books opened up.  Of course, at 1914 I'll say the same thing, that at 1930 I'll start studying.  And so it goes, until an entire day or night is gone and I haven't accomplished anything.

I've been doing this a lot.  A weekend day without classes often starts late for me; Sunday mornings especially, since by that point in the week I'm pretty tired.  Since I live alone, there's no one else here to wake me up, no one here to remind me that I have work to do, and no one to say "hey- let's get to the library."

It's the pattern that's the problem.  It keeps happening, and it's a negative pattern.  It's not a question of motivation.  I actually want to study, and I feel pretty good when I am able to study and I get things done.  It's an uphill climb to get from the futon or chair, to get cleaned up and get dressed and get out the door.  I'm not sure if it's fear and anxiety.  I'm not sure if it's that the meds are sort of dropping off, especially during early evening (when it's hardest for me to head out to a library). 

I'm going to finish writing this paragraph, get done a couple of things that need to get done in my apartment, and then I'm going to head out to either a library or the veterans group office.  I'm not sure how to break the pattern.  But I'm trying.

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