20 November 2010

Happily ever after.... wha?

Weekends, I've decided, are hard to deal with. 

Today, I've watched a couple of hours just disappear.  I'm awake now, have had two cups of coffee, have made and eaten breakfast.  I was supposed to meet someone at one of the libraries at noon, and didn't make it there-- I wasn't awake until 1300.  It seems right now that the world ends at the outer boundaries of my apartment.  Whatever else is going on, it's just blurry once you get outside my four walls.

So much of my life has been spent running to catch up with a train that never slows down.  Moving, from one crisis moment to another.  Always one step behind, always late, always short.  It's one of those things the brain and body adjust to, if you feel that way long enough.  It becomes natural, even though it isn't.  I wonder if that's why I stay up so late, and why I have trouble being productive during the day and evening-- if I have everything done that needs to be done, what then?  What does a person do when everything is completely under control?  There are all kinds of self-help books for dealing with a crisis, but where's the book that tells you how to manage your life effectively when things are in general pretty good?

"Pretty good" in my case means my tuition, rent, and other bills are paid.  My car is paid off.   My credit card balance is zero.  I have more hours available to work, than I have hours in my schedule to work.  I've actually had to turn down work.   I've been able to put aside, to save, a little bit of money this semester. 
At the end of the movie, everyone lives happily ever after.  The only time there's a sequel is when "happily ever after" doesn't actually happen.
I'm trying to figure out why I can't seem to get out of my apartment, why I'm wasting my day-- writing isn't wasting time, but I have studying to do-- and I'm close to the conclusion that I've never been in a better overall position.  I don't have many worries beyond school, and even there, in two of my classes I'm actually doing pretty well.

My usual reaction to an uncomfortable situation is to avoid it.  I think that's what's going on.  It feels uncomfortable, to just sit in a library all day and work on something.  There's never really been a time when I didn't have to worry or stress about making sure I had a place to live, making sure I had food, trying to resolve the current crisis.  Staying up late, being tired in the morning, staying inside all weekend, tuning out to the point where I lose and entire day (or weekend); these things are making stress where there shouldn't be any.

I am ultimately faced with learning how to deal with life being good.  WTF???

1 comment:

  1. Hi there !

    I was helping another US Air Force veteran finding some links and so.

    You write openly and I think it's good. I can recognize your symptoms. I got PTSD my self, but not from combat. I'm a 35 years old woman with CPTSD and PTSD from multiple traumas.

    My wounds is perhaps not as deep as yours, but if you just want to lighten your mood and look around you a little you are welcome to read and comment on my blog. It's about nothing special, just little rambling and sharing/dealing my thoughts as well. Some posts might be little harsh in language but I'm calm for the most. Starting to calm down as you seem to do.



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