04 November 2010

Being awake on meds that make you sleep

Okay, 24 hours without sleep is not fun.  It is, in fact, very unfun and not recommended.  I've also discovered that (since I take both meds at bedtime, that being awake for the next eight or ten or twelve hours after taking the meds is...  interesting isn't the word, and unfun doesn't begin to describe how I felt at around 0400.  The idea was that I was going to stay up as late as necessary to get the two assignments done that I had due today.  It really, really didn't work.

(Listen to me, brothers and sisters-- that psychiatrist tells you to take your meds at bedtime, you take the damn pills at bedtime and then you take your happy ass to bed and you get some sleep.)

At one point, very early in the morning, I didn't know what was wrong, but the world was spinning a little and I was thinking some stuff that really didn't make sense.  Memories of people and places I hadn't thought of or seen in 20+ years, no logic or reason or pattern.  There were a few times when I was feeling a little scared... with almost any antidepressant, they always tell you that suicidal thoughts are a possible side effect.  I don't know that my thoughts were really suicidal.  I asked myself a couple of times, and the answer was an easy no.

I thought, seriously, and several times, about calling 1 800 273 TALK.  I really did.  Not because I was thinking of hurting myself or anyone else, but just because I was really kinda flyin' in a bad way and I wasn't in control of how I was feeling.

Traffic, here, is pretty quiet in the early hours of the morning.  The city really only starts to wake up around 0430, and doesn't seriously get going until 0530 or so.   I waited until about 0500, and then went to the convenience store down the block for breakfast.  My neighborhood is actually pretty nice, but that store's been robbed before, and that 0400-0500 hour in any city can be a little sketchy.  Many people who are around a convenience store at that hour aren't people you really want to meet when you're flying on antidepressants that are supposed to work while you're sleeping, ya know?

In any case, I went to get coffee, a couple of donuts, and a couple of the fried rolled burrito things they make for breakfast.  Unconsciously, I made it a point to take my hands out of my pockets right before I entered the store.  (If you're a clerk, the last thing you want to see is a strung out looking character in a black jacket who hasn't shaved in a few days walk in with his hands in his pockets.) 

The walk there and back, and the breakfast, helped settle me down a little.  It's amazing how the smallest contact with the world, the 60 second exchange with the cashier, helped bring me back to reality.  The food, I think, helped too.  Donuts and other fried things are comfort food.

It's late afternoon now, and I don't have anything on my schedule for tonight.  I really need to do some studying, but my attention span is pretty short.  I'm trying to remind myself that I've been up for more than 24 hours (more like 32), and that I need to sleep and get up and start again tomorrow.

At this point, it's probably too early to go to bed, so I'm going to stay up for a while and just try not to do anything more than watch some TV and do my best to let my nerves and my brain slowly relax.  It might take a beer to help start the process.  Maybe.

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