27 October 2010

Struggling to get things done...

The weekend: nothing going on, nothing on the schedule except a short shift at work that I picked up, which essentially made up for hours I've missed this pay period (plus a little extra).  I didn't get any schoolwork done, although I'd been telling myself all last week that this would be the weekend I'd get back on track.  I did try to do some work on my apartment, get things organized, take a look at some of
the PC parts I have lying here, see what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to recycle.  I resurrected one machine that hadn't been powered on since 2003, and cannibalized some memory and hard drives from the others.  I got some laundry done, did my dishes, straightened up the kitchen, and took the trash out.  But I never did make it to the library.

This week: I've been on the new meds for a week.  I want to say that I'm sleeping better, when I get enough sleep, but I'm still tired during the day.  The nightmares have maybe eased up a little.  I've upped the dose on both of the new meds, per doctor's orders; I didn't have any real side effects going on with the lowest dose.  Doc said it would take at least two weeks, maybe longer, for the meds to reach full effect.  So I'm hopeful that something will change by this time next week.  I'm having a lot of flashbacks, a lot of random re-experiencing, and even more difficulty concentrating on some things.  There are times like last night, when I was at the library working on an assignment with a classmate, that I was incredibly tuned into what I was working on.  After I left the library and went home for
supper, I was wiped and went to bed early, took two hours to fall asleep, and woke up tired.  Tonight, I can't focus on shit and I have two assignments due tomorrow.

There's so much going on in my head right now.  Relationships, especially the last one, both on its own and in relation to past relationships.  What the future holds.  What the past held.  All of the assignments and deadlines and stress that naturally comes with being a student.  Waiting for the meds to work.  Trying to get enough sleep.  Trying to figure out how to get back into the gym, because
that helps with depression too.

When I look at the two assignments I have due tomorrow, I can see them; I can read the book, play back the lecture, look at my notes, read the extra study guides I picked up at Amazon, and see that what they're saying makes sense.  When it comes time to do the assignment, nothing makes sense.  There's one thing, one bit of understanding, one connection on each problem that I just can't seem to make.  It's my hope that once the meds kick in and start to work, they'll help close down all of the other crap my mind's working on, and my brain will be able to "see" what the heck's going on.

When I think about romantic relationships, it's like a snowball rolling downhill.  I'm beginning to think that I just need to be single for a while, pay attention to myself.  I don't have a lot of opportunities to "meet people" with dating in mind, because a) most people half my age don't want to date people old enough to be their parents, b) most people I encounter during the day or at night are busy with
acadmics (they do go out to meet people, but I don't hit the bars very often, and never the house parties), or c) in my age group, and don't know or don't want to deal with someone living a college student's life.  It's a fool's game, trying to do the right things to be attractive to someone.  What would their parents, their friends think, if they brought home a guy who startles easily and doesn't like
unplanned-for loud noises?  So maybe I'm better off, for now, concentrating on making myself happy.

I suppose I need a plan for getting these two assignments done.  One of them is due first class of the morning, at 0930; I might try to take a look at it when I get home at 0000 for a little while, then I'm going to bed.  I'll set my alarm for about an hour or so early, and then take another look in the morning before class.  I'm hoping that a few hours sleep will get me rested enough to think straight for long
enough to get it done.  I have about an hour between classes tomorrow to finish the other assignment; that one isn't graded for correct answers, but it is graded on completeness.  So I have to give it a good try, at least, but if I doink an answer, it doesn't hurt my grade.

I honestly just need to get through the rest of tonight, tomorrow morning, and part of tomorrow afternoon.  Then I have the rest of the day and night tomorrow off.  Friday I have two classes, but the assignment I have due for one of them is already done.  After that is the weekend, where I'm going to try yet again to get myself on a schedule that helps me get everything done.

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