On one hand, I do it as right as possible, not skipping class, getting all of my assignments done, trying to have a social life, trying to take care of myself and keep my life stable and grounded. I try, I try, I try. Sometimes things go all right, and I feel like I'm part of this whole society I've found myself in. I have things to do and friends that seem to care and everything is ok, even if not perfect. I have a mission and a plan and things seem, for a few minutes, to be normal.
I think a lot about PTSD, have done so much work learning to cope, and yet I still make decisions that I consider to be bad ones. It shook me deeply when my most recent relationship ended, because I'd tried to up front about the PTSD, and she'd been there while I was going through the therapy. I thought I had her support, and I trusted that when things went wrong, we'd try to work through them. Perhaps she was surprised at my reaction to the "just friends" talk, my reaction being simply "okay".
In my world, being abandoned without explanation is pretty routine. It's always the same: you're a good person and I have a lot of respect for you and what you're doing, but it's just not working between us. My parents and family didn't protect me, friends have deserted me, comrades have passed on. I hate you for not protecting me and I hate you for coming in and out of the revolving door that my life sometimes can be, and I hate that you're not here to stand by me when I need you.
It seems like most days, at some point during the day, I have that moment or two or a thousand where I'm walking in circles in my apartments muttering "I don't feel good. I don't feel right. This isn't good." All I need to do is get dressed, something that should take five minutes, and it takes fifteen and then I have to just about run because I'm late because I can't decide what fucking shirt to wear, and by the time I get there I am late and my heart is pounding so hard I think I'm gonna die.
And then there's the movie in my head, the three channels of digital hi-def picture and sound, playing back all of the things from my life that I'd rather forget, all of the things I don't want to see, and a good mix of just random shit that I thought I'd put past me. Plus all of the crap that my mind makes up out of bits and pieces about the rest.
I can honestly say that the movies in my head and the decisions I'm making, and the things I'm doing, indicate that something's wrong enough and I need help dealing with it. My life is being negatively impacted and I want it to stop.
Not the first, and always hope it'll be the last one I need, but I'm calling the VA hospital to set up another mental health appointment.