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21 September 2010

Survival mode

I'm having a great deal of difficulty, day to day, getting done what I need done.  I'm in survival mode-- eat, sleep, get to places where I'm scheduled to be, do what I'm expected to do when I get there.  Survival mode is all about functioning and following orders.  After a certain amount of training, your body goes places and does things, and you don't have to be terribly engaged in whatever's going on.  You may not remember any of it, but after all, you weren't really "there" to participate in whatever happened anyway, be it going to class, cooking breakfast, or whatever.

When I'm in that survival mode, making sure I have food, clothing and shelter, the "numb" switch also flips on, and I stop feeling.  Not just one feeling, all of them.  I want to survive, so I don't feel the stress, the anxiety, the drive, the motivation, the pressure... I just shut down, go off into my own little world, and let whatever's happening float by.

Tonight, I went out for dinner with a group of divorced adults, off-campus.  It was mainly a social gathering, and I hadn't met many of the people there.  There were other new people there as well, and so there were a lot of introductions.  I found it interesting that other people found divorce to be a painful and frustrating process; much of mine, I went through alone, so it was in a sad way nice that I wasn't the only one.

A thought struck me on the way home:  I've been through the same kinds of issues with divorce that these people are either having, or have had.  But I've also been to war, been abused, and came from what amounts to a broken home.  At one point, I lived in a house that was being foreclosed on, with no heat, hot water, or electricity, in the beginning and end of a Wisconsin winter.  When I moved to the city I'm now in, one of the greatest things in the world was that I was going to live in an apartment where I could take a hot shower.

I want to feel proud of what I've accomplished, and keep on accomplishing good things, but it's tough.  People generally don't go around bragging about how fucked up their life was.  It's hard to find people to talk to that can understand, and relate, and see just what I've been through.

1 comment:

  1. I can relate. I'm also kind of proud of ordinary things that I'm managing now but wasn't able to in the past, like renting my own apartment and having a decent job. People may think it's not much, it's just expected, but it takes all of my energy to manage that much. I've also been through abuse, divorce, and money worries...the whole catastrophe as some poet says.

    I think you're doing great actually. The magic pen also sounds amazing.

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