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16 September 2010

Sleep (or not), dreams, flashbacks... and trust

Bits and pieces from today... no, not trying to make any particular sense...

I went to bed at about 0330 this morning.  I don't know if it was too much coffee/soda, too much going on inside my head, or both.  Probably both.  I was in class for most of the middle of the day yesterday, then had a meeting with my contact at the campus disability resource center, and finally worked an eight hour shift.  At work, I was training a new person, and doing homework, so I was pretty well active from sunup to sundown and beyond.

The flashbacks and dreams are bad lately.  PTSD sucks.  I'm reacting badly to stimuli in the world around me, which is a fancy way of saying that I'm feeling triggered a lot.   I really suspect that it has to do with last Saturday at work, talking to my ex-girlfriend.  There was a certain level of anxiety going on for me anyway, with moving, settling in, the semester starting, and me being both single again and looking again.  That one conversation was about 95% innocent, people who hadn't seen each other in a while catching up.  Small talk.  When she asked about me being single again, she also said something along the lines of "well, I figured I should ask, I've known you for a long time."  That scared me, I think.

I would really like to be able to sit down with someone (preferably more than one person) and just talk about what's inside my head, and hear what other people are seeing in the dark.  Some of the stuff I see in my flashbacks and dreams is really sort of frightening, and I'm afraid that someone hearing me talk about it would have me locked up.  So I keep it inside, mostly.  It's the trust issue; who do I trust with this stuff?

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