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14 March 2010

More on getting caught up

He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot will be victorious. -- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I'm far enough behind now that I cannot get caught up on my own. I have to admit that I have some serious issues that are keeping me from getting my assignments done on time. It's hard enough to admit to someone that you don't know that you have PTSD, because you never know how they will react. When it's a professor in your major, it's even harder. I essentially have to say "I am having difficulty in your class because I have trouble concentrating on the material. I am seeing a doctor this week at the VA hospital to get help, and I will do better in the future, but in the meantime I need you to be sympathetic and let me get caught up."

I feel like I've run myself into the ground. I am always, always, always running to get from here to there- bus, school, class, library, class, work, bus, home, sleep. It never seems to stop. I feel like I'm not in control of anything right now. I'm where I want to be, but I'm not enjoying it very much. If I can just get to the eye of the hurricane, I'll be all right... but the eye of a hurricane is still surrounded by the hurricane.

PTSD makes you react to situations without thinking about them; it's pure survival instinct. The part of your brain that's affected by PTSD doesn't know if it's 2000 or 2010, and it doesn't care. Now feels like then, and that's how you react-- which often seems the be the exact opposite of the way you need to react to deal with today's situation.

I reallllly get tired of dealing with this sometimes. Today is one of those days.

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