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14 October 2009

Realizations

I'm having trouble with flashbacks lately. For about two weeks. Daily.

Not just a little. A lot.

They're insidious. They come out of nowhere, bringing up images that should have been buried and forgotten about. Long, long ago. I don't know why those particular images want to come back. Well, that's not completely correct-- while I don't know why the particular selection of images plays out, I know why they're coming back-- I'm feeling triggered; but trying to pay attention is like watching tv that's interrupted by static.

There are, of course, solutions-- one that I know of, that I've learned, and that really works, is facing whatever's lying under the surface. Writing about it, in detail, and then reading it out loud to someone (or yourself). Doing so forces you to think about it, prevents you from avoiding it, gets it-- it being whatever traumatic event is the issue-- exposed to sunlight.

Bad memories don't like sunlight.

I am discovering, or realizing, that there isn't just one traumatic event. Some people can say that it was one action, one reaction, one moment in time that shattered the world around them. I cannot say it was one thing. There was one series of events, then there was another event, then there was another, and another, and another. The later ones happened in some part because of the earlier ones. Without the core trauma, the rest probably would not count as "trauma".

But-- says I to myself-- maybe my definition of trauma is different than yours. Maybe something that you would not consider traumatic, really is to me because of everything else I've had to deal with. Maybe I'm more sensitive to it, maybe I don't recover as quickly, but whatever the reason, the event makes more of a difference to me than to you.

If I apply my healing techniques to every event that I've been flashing back to for the past couple of weeks, I'll have enough writing to keep me busy for months. It seems like a hopeless task. (I hate the word hopeless; there is always hope, sometimes unlooked for, but always hope.) So I'm going to try to take a little bit of time, here and there, to write in my journal and try to bring some of this stuff out into the open. Maybe not all at once; but maybe if I can deal with it in small bites, it'll be more manageable.

1 comment:

  1. Hello there. I've been following your blog on my blogroll for some time, and I wanted to stop by tell you I admire your disclosure of your experiences. You admit what you're going through, and I hope it encourages more people to refuse the stigma of PTSD, and get out there into the world with their honesty. I author a blog about veterans and veterans issues, itsaveteransworld.wordpress.com.. I'd love to hear from you on the site.

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