I think I'm tired. Really, really, really tired.
I've been pushing ahead with all I have on so many fronts, and I'm wondering how much I have left to push with. I have some big stuff to finish, some important stuff yet to learn, time is ticking by, and it feels like it's not going to get done. I've heard of the kick-- that last bit of energy a runner has left, even when they don't think they do, that gets them moving and propels them across the finish line. I hope I have a kick, I'm looking for it, but I'm not certain it's there, and that scares me because right now, I really need it.
I have projects to finish that are late because of logistics-- getting the resources I need-- which is part my fault for not planning right and part nobody's fault because I just don't have the resources I need. It's difficult for me to ask other people for help-- to say to others, I need something from you, and I don't have anything to offer you in return. I just need your help with this. People in my life (in the past) are not known for being there in these sorts of situations. Some people in my life now are there whenever I need them-- but it's still hard for me to ask. (Especially when I'm in the situation I am in now, where I may need to redo somethings I've already received help for.)
It's deeper than just stress from having a lot to do-- much of being a student is being amongst your peers. If you live in a dorm, you are pretty much guaranteed that the people who live around you are having the same problems you are, in the same classes, often for the same reasons. That is, if you live in a dorm, or someplace where you're surrounded by other students. If you do, you're lucky-- luckier than you think. There are a lot of things that suck about dorm life. There are a lot of things that are simply wonderful about having your own apartment, away from campus. When you're an adult student who works all day with people who are not students, and when you go home at night and there are no students around you-- it makes it hard to get motivated to study.
Now, I don't want the entire student experience. I'm a) older, b) a vet, and c) just not into a lot of student experience stuff-- I don't want to relive my 20's. I'm wondering where that world is that blends campus life with older folks like me who like being students, but like being our age too. It feels like there aren't many of us here (although I know there must be.)
It's easier being tired when there are people around you who are tired too.