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21 April 2009

Fear of... ?

Fear.

Dude, no, fear. Heart pounding, can't breathe, sweating, paralyzed, can't do anything worth a shit, fear, mofo. FEAR. The kind that sneaks up on you and strangles you and your life. The kind that keeps you from doing what you need to do. The kind that right now is keeping me from what I need to do-- and what I'm really talking about here-- the fear of failure.

I'm not going to bore you with all of the details, but I will share some of them-- right now I'm doing something all day at work that produces just about every possible bad reaction. It's not hard work, it's not dangerous work, and it's not smelly dirty work. It's worse, it's boring work. I'm smart. Whatever that means. And I know how to work hard, whatever that means. So why am I stuck doing a job that I'm too smart for?

If you just now thought that I'm an arrogant prick for bitching about having a job at all during a crappy recession, tough. Go get your econ book, underemployment is bad for everyone.

Anyway-- why am I stuck doing a job that doesn't match what I'm best at, at all, if I'm so smart? The answer to that question, as with most questions, lies in the abuses I suffered and the trauma I've experienced. If your self esteem kit is in order, you don't fear failure (or so I'm told). You believe that if at first you don't succeed, then try try again. Buck up camper, it'll be all right.

Well, I've tried tried again. Because my world wasn't yet set right, because I didn't have the tools or knowledge I needed, the times I've tried in the past have not turned out to be what I wanted. And yet I'm still here-- I had the chance to say good night, and I didn't-- I've fought back, and learned, and trained, and tried harder. And here I am, again facing the choice: red pill? Or blue pill?

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