10 March 2009

College. Or lack thereof.

This week, I had a good appointment at the VA-- talked a lot about dealing with challenging beliefs, and how I think about events that have happened in the past versus how things are now.

I talked in a previous post about having one foot in college, the other in 9-to-5 land. It's interesting that events that happened so long ago can relate now; my reactions to things were learned as a result of the abuses I was hit with, the further bad things that happened (none of which were my fault, but the feelings are there), and... blah blah blah.

What's really going on is I have homework to do. A lot of homework to do, and it needs to be done by tomorrow night. It's critical to my continued success to get this stuff done. I need to learn this stuff, because I'm going to use it as I go on in school, and because my professor won't pass me if I don't get it done and done right. Get it? It's really freakin' important!

And- for all the unhappy thoughts I have about my job, and wanting to do something I enjoy- I can't seem to get myself started working on it. I haven't even opened up my backpack. Here I sit, things pointed in the right direction, key in the ignition, and I won't turn the key, start the damn truck, and drive. Eventually I will, when the stress level gets high enough and I have to do something, anything, to get my assignments done, but I won't do them as well as if I had started working on them when I had time in front of me.

I've done this since I was a kid-- I can remember in second grade, always being the kid that didn't have his work done at the end of the day. Even back then, I had mastered the art of being numb to my surroundings, doing a little of this and a little of that, making the time go by and not getting anything accomplished.

I want to believe that I have different tools now, that I can overcome, that these things don't matter and I can behave differently now. But it's hard to erase things that I've learned how not to do, so well.

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