01 February 2009
Surviving without feeling it
In my mind, I'm gone to Carolina... (James Taylor)
I came across this picture-- I don't remember where, but I do know what it's a picture of-- it's Eskan Village, just outside Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Chances are if you're reading this blog, you already looked at the picture and knew exactly where it was. That might have been your villa- or mine. One can never know, because they all looked the same. Don't tell me you didn't get lost your first couple of days there... :)
That's not so much what's on my mind tonight though, or maybe it is-- I'm feeling shut down. Completely. I don't know why, but I can't feel anything (good or bad). It's like being on a really strong antidepressant that makes you not care about anything at all.
I'm working on the idea that there are certain things in my life that are not my fault. The abuses I suffered as a child and an adolescent. Coming back from the desert, not the same person I was when I left. Leaving the service for all the wrong reasons, and having trouble adjusting to civilian life. Getting hooked up with a spouse whose family hated me and sabotaged me whenever they could. Divorce. Bankruptcy. Never completely shaking the ghosts of the past.
Going through the desert, and everything that entailed both during and after-- and having it all rendered (seemingly) meaningless when we again invaded Iraq in 2003. I know, and believe, that doing so was a good idea, in spite of the fact that the intel (for whatever reason) was bogus. It was going to happen someday anyway. We never answered that question, those years during and after 1991-- we knew, every single one of us, that we would someday be back. We knew it wasn't finished. But as time went on, and many of us separated and went on to different things...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to not blame myself for not being stable, for not being perfect, for having these issues--
I'm trying not to feel alone, I know there are others with the same issues--
I'm trying to survive in the meantime. I wish I knew how to cry.