22 February 2009

The pattern... is full

Today I'm not quite sure where to start. I have so much that needs to get done, and so little time to do it. On top of that, my emotions and nerves are gone completely haywire. I can go from feeling all right one minute to feeling completely hopeless the next-- I imagine, although I don't know firsthand that it's like being in the middle of a battle. My battles aren't like you see in Braveheart. Mine are black operations, that are so quiet and stealthy that the only one that even sees them happening is me. They're inside my head-- I get R&R some times, like I did today, for a while-- but when I'm alone I have a hard time avoiding them.

I'm overwhelmed again. I see the storm coming, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to weather another one. I've done so much... I want it to mean something, for there to be a goal that I actually reach. They say the journey is the important part, that there is honor in even attempting to set foot upon the road. I'm not feeling the high ground of being honorable right now, I'm feeling like I'm fighting for my life.

I'm tired, so tired, and I can't sleep. I want so much to learn and do, and I can't focus on my classwork. I feel the need to do something that matters, and all I have to do doesn't matter. There is more, and I don't have it. I want to heal, and know it will take time, and I don't want to wait-- or know what will happen when I do. I need a break, I need some space, I need some help, I need something and I don't have any idea what to ask for, or who to ask. There's no one but me, and the ghost riders inside my head.

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