10 January 2009

Sense of purpose over coffee

At this point (Saturday morning, listening to hits from the 70's, drinking cappucino), I'm feeling a little lost. Iraq is certainly not peaceful and safe, but I keep reading news stories and blog entries that give the impression that the war-- at least, as it's been so far-- is over. Afghanistan seems neither peaceful or safe, but it looks from here like there's a plan being put into action to do something about that, too.

(I'm thinking out loud. Rambling. Babbling like a brook.)

There was a time, a couple of (or a few) years ago, when it seemed the world was coming apart. Everything had a "hot" feeling, that's now gone a little "cold". My personal life at the time was a little (or a lot) more complicated then too, which I'm sure has a lot to do with it. I hadn't yet learned a lot of the coping tools that I have now. But yet, I feel lost, because one aspect of war (Iraq) is seemingly winding down, and another (Afghanistan) is not yet winding up the way it looks like it will.

I like war. No-- that's not exactly correct-- I like having a mission and a cause, something to fight for that matters. It's one thing to be the tip of the spear, to be ready to fight, deployed in support of a mission to save someone, or something. It's another to get home (or be home) and find yourself without a mission, a target, a place to aim your weapons. Home can be really boring and frustrating sometimes. (Don't believe me? Get a dead end administrative job.)

I'm not bored, I have plenty to do. I'm missing the closeness, the support, the funny things that happen, the bonds that develop when you're ass out of luck and the only thing you can do is your job (and the only thing you can rely on is the people around you). There's a lot I don't miss about active duty, but there's far more that I do miss.

Sense of purpose. Maybe those are the words I'm looking for.

What does this have to do with PTSD? Nothing. Everything. I don't know.

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