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14 December 2008

Safe at home? Not always

Safehouse. A secure location, known to only a few trusted people, suitable for hiding witnesses, agents or other persons perceived as being in danger.

I'm not sure why, but my house doesn't seem very safe.

It's like this-- when I get home, I have studying to do. However, instead of starting that, I turn on my computer and I go to the same places (websites). I look at a whole slew of different military (related) blogs and news sites, stuff about intelligence, the GWOT, the Middle East. I usually pick about 7-8 (sometimes more) articles to read, trying to get a sense of where the world is headed. Why do I do this? Because I feel the need to do this. It's emotional, and not necessarily rational-- I could honestly live my life without ever hearing about what some Army staff sergeant is going through as she gets through another tour in Iraq or Afghanistan [note: actually, I'm being far too sarcastic. I really, truly enjoy reading what folks in Iraq, Afghanistan, or where ever are doing. I just wonder sometimes if I enjoy it a little too much.]. Deep down in my soul, I always feel like I need to be ready to be in the military again. I can see a day coming when my skills will be needed, because the situation will have become that bad.

Maybe I'm afraid.

There's no rational reason to be afraid. It's far more likely that an idiot driving too fast on an icy street will do me harm, than someone holding an Al Qaeda ID card. The Russians are not going to invade. My ex(es) isn't (aren't) going to show up. No one's "watching" me. But yet, I can't just relax and be here; I always need to be somewhere else, and that somewhere else is always someplace that is most certainly unsafe. (I always manage to stay here, but being stuck inside my head when I'm alone and stressed is not always a good place to be.)

Somehow, I need to find a way to make my home safe and comfortable and warm again. Maybe I need to rearrange furniture, or get rid of some stuff, or something. But this man's home needs to be his castle again.

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